tough day

I'm worried abt J. he keeps things bottled up and doesn't raise issues because he doesn't want to upset me and believes its easier to handle his emotions internally. he said today that he feels misunderstood when he does speak out or it leads to arguments/tension and that it's better this way. he said that he goes over what he's going to say over and over again in his head but it never goes to plan in real life. i told him today that i want both of us to bear the burden of our issues, not just him bearing my problems as well as his own and that my heart was breaking to hear him say that it's "not worth it" to bring up issues but i could tell that his mind is made up. this all stemmed from a couple of meetings we had which i thought went well.....we discussed household chores, sex, our social lives and more and i left feeling like i understood him better and was heard as well. he didn't feel that way apparently, but did not say so at the time.

i feel that he should say something in the moment if he feels misunderstood or misconstrued, or like he is reluctant to say something or if he feels rushed or pressure or whatever. if he did that, we could address it in the moment. i found out that he wasn't feeling good about our meetings after the fact, unfortunately. he said that he's 85% happy and that he wants to stop trying for that 15% because it just leads to problems, and he said it's not my fault. maybe i'm naive but i feel like 100% is attainable or at the very least a horizon we can continue to move toward? he alluded to managing everyone's emotions by changing his behaviour and by "controlling" his own emotions.....it made me feel like pavlov's dog tbh and on some level i'm angry because he's a) refusing to communicate (out of what? fear? convenience? frustration?) and b) robbing me of the opportunity to be a good partner and c) hurting himself. i can understand that it feels risky and scary to be vulnerable but i do think that he is gun-shy and shuts down at the first sign of friction (that friction being me questions/disagreeing with something he said, me reacting emotionally, me misunderstanding what he meant etc.) but i feel that we need to be able to sit in the friction/discomfort and move forward through it. this is an impossible situation bcuz J communicating/being heard is entirely NECESSARY in my view but he's been going on this way for so long that he's already certain it's the right thing to do to keep going (and i think me being upset just further proves this in his eyes).

i brought up couple's therapy a few days ago (i've been thinking abt it for a while but wanted to bring it up when we weren't mid-argument or post-argument) and as i predicted he reacted badly and didn't listen to me, but reluctantly agreed. i keep trying to frame it as "this is something i need to make MY feelings clear to you" (this is true tbh) and avoid implying that J needs it too as he is v. skeptical abt therapy for himself (yet very supportive of therapy for me). i have discussed this with my therapist at length already LOL

we're sitting down to talk again later today. hoping for a positive outcome