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it's that time again
Aug. 16th, 2023 12:19 am idk why i find it so hard to take care of myself??? every time i do the smallest of self-care tasks (e.g. remembering to floss, going for a walk, healthy snack) it feels like a revelation and i think "gee this is great i should keep this going" and then i don't keep it going and sink into full goblin mode for weeks, eating junk food in bed and sleeping until noon and doomscrolling for hours on tiktok and then i overcorrect by aggressively focusing on self-improvement, then eventually slip up and the cycle continues. this is possibly delusional but i rly believe that a smidgen of exercise and some meditation would transform me into the ubermensch (female equivalent?) and i could run for prime minister and win.
this was my first year of full time teaching and therefore my first time being off work for the summer so i think this pattern is becoming more obvious to me when i don't have work to necessitate showering and semi-regular bedtimes. i should bring this up w/ my therapist but i haven't been to an appt. in weeks bc i'm STILL waiting for EI (my former employer from the restaurant fucked up some paperwork and is dragging her feet on correcting her fuckup and pretending to not understand what she needs to do and at this point i honestly think she might be evading taxes lmao).
i'm so lucky to have J, he understands and sees the real me. if i were religious i would legitimately believe i received a blessing. it's not that i don't think i'm deserving of him, i have my flaws but i think i'm basically a good person and i try my best to be a good partner, it's moreso that guys like him are really REALLY rare judging by the men i know as an adult and the frankly terrifying dating lives of my friends. i'm thinking back now on the people i dated as a teen who could have been my partner. two fell down the alt right pipeline, one drug overdose (RIP i love you), one appears to be running a pyramid scheme,
actually im not finishing that ^^^ sentence bc it feels too judgemental given that i don't know these ppl anymore BUT the fact remains that i'm exceedingly lucky to have a wonderful husband, one thing at least that i can really count on in my life.
(unless he leaves me, cheats or otherwise destroys my life LMAO but so far so good). once i was cleaning out some stuff at my parent's house and i came across one of my mom's diaries from the 80s and she wrote similarly hopeful and grateful things about my dad and that obviously turned out horribly so it's not that i think J will betray me so much as i'm hedging my bets in case it happens and i'm re-reading this entry in 20 years. if the planet even lasts that long FUCK (rly wish i were typing this on my phone bc the sarcastic upside-down smiling emoji would be perfect here)
r.e. self care i really need to start doing better for myself. i'm basically happy and have most of what i need in life. why can't i seem to do it? i'd be so sad if one of my students were stuck in the cycle i'm currently in.
this was my first year of full time teaching and therefore my first time being off work for the summer so i think this pattern is becoming more obvious to me when i don't have work to necessitate showering and semi-regular bedtimes. i should bring this up w/ my therapist but i haven't been to an appt. in weeks bc i'm STILL waiting for EI (my former employer from the restaurant fucked up some paperwork and is dragging her feet on correcting her fuckup and pretending to not understand what she needs to do and at this point i honestly think she might be evading taxes lmao).
i'm so lucky to have J, he understands and sees the real me. if i were religious i would legitimately believe i received a blessing. it's not that i don't think i'm deserving of him, i have my flaws but i think i'm basically a good person and i try my best to be a good partner, it's moreso that guys like him are really REALLY rare judging by the men i know as an adult and the frankly terrifying dating lives of my friends. i'm thinking back now on the people i dated as a teen who could have been my partner. two fell down the alt right pipeline, one drug overdose (RIP i love you), one appears to be running a pyramid scheme,
actually im not finishing that ^^^ sentence bc it feels too judgemental given that i don't know these ppl anymore BUT the fact remains that i'm exceedingly lucky to have a wonderful husband, one thing at least that i can really count on in my life.
(unless he leaves me, cheats or otherwise destroys my life LMAO but so far so good). once i was cleaning out some stuff at my parent's house and i came across one of my mom's diaries from the 80s and she wrote similarly hopeful and grateful things about my dad and that obviously turned out horribly so it's not that i think J will betray me so much as i'm hedging my bets in case it happens and i'm re-reading this entry in 20 years. if the planet even lasts that long FUCK (rly wish i were typing this on my phone bc the sarcastic upside-down smiling emoji would be perfect here)
r.e. self care i really need to start doing better for myself. i'm basically happy and have most of what i need in life. why can't i seem to do it? i'd be so sad if one of my students were stuck in the cycle i'm currently in.
