think on these things

very busy with preparations for commencement, finishing up final projects and writing report cards. major drama with pride flag vandalism in classroom. thought the principal wouldn't support me but she did, which was a pleasant surprise. unprofessional behaviour from sexist moron colleague. big blowup argument w/ J this week (he cut me off and was dismissive, wouldn't listen to me, my anger was legitimate IMO but i overreacted), couple's therapy next week (not as a response to the fight, it was scheduled beforehand as more of a tune-up, doing well otherwise).

attempting to do 28 straight days of yoga and have quit smoking/vaping again, will try cold turkey. nutrition/weight loss is next on the list. i feel motivated by the fact that the school year with the 8th graders from hell is almost over, thus freeing up precious mental bandwidth for the care and keeping of ME. i love my students immensely and am so proud of them but they're also horrible monsters and really quite mean. is this how parents of teens feel? another goal for this summer is finishing OG certification. I have some money saved for the summer (thank you, retropay).

Back at work and it’s exhausting and stressful but I’m mostly happy and okay.  I have a full year contract which is amazing, we’re mostly likely going on strike this year which blows but is sadly necessary, my class is out of control and feral but we’re making verrrrrrryyyyyyy slow progress. 8th grade is a whole new world for me and i miss my juniors bc they were usually somewhat happy to see me whereas my Gr 8s would probably be happy if i disappeared off the face of the earth so that they could be on their phones, break stuff and beat the shit out of each other

tbf when i was in grade 8 i hated school, despised my teachers and was an angry hormonal pain in the ass, so I’m unfortunately reaping what i sowed and my retired (i assume) middle school teachers are probably chugging margaritas at 10am and taking up fishing.

neck is killing me and i never have time to eat my lunch. I’ve been working so hard to get my class to where they need to be behaviour wise and it’s FUCKING KILLING ME but i refuse to give up. I have high expectations of them because i know they can meet those expectations. If I honestly thought they weren’t capable of it, I wouldn’t bother. I feel like i spend my every waking moment thinking about my class, but I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet. It remains to be seen if i can keep this up long enough to see significant changes, i hate being the strict drill sergeant bitch but the kids have had like 4 teachers since sept. and desperately need structure and for now I’m doing my best :)

 some end of summer/beginning of autumn things:

-need to quit vaping/smoking for good!!!!
-apparently baggy cargo pants are back in style. don't care abt being trendy but may be comfy for work?
-IMPORTANT: i'm committing to working no later than 2 hours after the school day has ended and not working at all on weekends, to protect my work/life balance and sanity
-back to therapy, session yesterday was great
-therapist was hit by a car recently but is ok, this is the most recent in a long line of misfortunes for her that i fear may be the result of a curse (jk?)
-attempting to teach myself french (bonjour mes amis!!!)

big fight with J today, i was starting to lose my temper so i went to M's house (mom wasn't home and M and J are good friends and i knew she wouldn't arbitrarily take my side and would tell it like it is) and i really appreciate her allowing me to come over and vent. i took an uber to her house so it only took about 25 minutes, and by the time i got there J had already apologized via text and said he was being a jerk, i appreciate that, but i shouldn't have lost my temper either. M and i snacked, gossiped, smoked a lil weed and played video games (she seems to find it entertaining to watch me be rly shitty at skyrim). then j picked us up and we went to get pizza. we smoked a bit more then ate pizza and watched I Think You Should Leave and laughed a lot. J and i haven't had the chance yet to talk after our fight (M is still here) but i think it's all good.

i'm dead tired and want to go to bed but J and M are teasing me because it's only 10:25 and i'm on vacation. i want to start getting up in the AM again so i'm ready for the school year, plus i'm thinking abt going to church tomorrow for the first time in 10+ years. i'm still heavily agnostic but the church is Universal Unitarian which apparently means they're progressive hippies that other christians don't like bc they're too loosey goosey with the bible or w/e. the church is also my polling station so i've talked to some of the folks there and they seem lovely, it's a beautiful building as well. i'm not feeling particularly spiritual these days but i've been feeling nostalgic for my church-going days and if i'm being totally honest, i wouldn't mind seeing live music for free every sunday LOL.

i also like how church people aren't nihilists for the most part and they look at our shitty evil world with proactive and community-oriented eyes. i feel like everyone i know and everyone online has kind of given up (me too kind of) and i don't want to ignore society's ills but i want to refocus on my community and helping others instead of feeling sorry for myself and my small circle of loved ones. it's starting to feel like my circle are the only people i care about and i don't want that to be true. or at the very least i want to widen my circle of care a bit? idk this could all be waste of time but i'm also just curious tbh.

i NEED to get better at texting ppl back, i hate leaving people on read but it's turned into a real bad habit for me and ppl care about that kind of thing and it hurts them. it's just inattention and honestly a bit of laziness at this point and i need to do better. weirdly, i feel like vyvanse is making the problem worse bc i get overly focused on the day's tasks and ignore my messages but maybe i'm just looking for something to blame LOL

i'm still a bit high and i wish i could go here and go for a swim:

(Typing on phone so typos ahead probably)

It’s my 30th birthday today. There’s something embarrassing about having a birthday party at age 30 but my family really wanted this and tbh I’m kind of excited. I’m also fucking nervous bc i decided for some reason that putting my friends in the same general area as my family was a good idea. Most of my old friends are varying degrees of familiar w/ my family’s brand of crazy but I have some newer friends coming too and im feeling this childlike fear that I’ll be judged based on my family’s actions. Actually not even their actions bc I know they’ll be on their best behaviour, more like their….social quirks? Failing to meet social expectations held by “normal” people? Idk this all feels so juvenile and stupid. For me, age 25-29 has been about becoming a more confident and secure person and I’ve found that I care so little abt what ppl think of me anymore. At 20 I would walk down the street caring SO much abt everyone’s opinion, wondering if the ppl I walked past on the street thought I was fat or ugly or if my shirt was bunching up in a weird way. Today I can honestly say that I could walk past a pack of whispering teen girls with my head held high and truly not care what they think or even assume that they’re talking abt me at all. So why am I feeling like this today? I should have told my parents that I wanted a low-key board game day and forced them to play mahjong lol.

no one in my immediately family has texted me happy birthday yet, which probably means they’re all running around frantically preparing for the party. I’m hoping they can relax at the actual party. FUCK I’m scared what is going on with me? All of my family and all of my friends are wonderful, lovely people who love me And there’s no reason to panic.

irrational fears aside, I’m proud of how far I’ve come and although I’m a broke savings-less teacher who would be priced out of my neighbourhood were it not for rent control, I’m pretty happy with my progress in life. 20 year old me would be amazed and impressed (although that’s a pretty low bar LMAO)

the Barbie movie was okay. It was satirical, very funny imo, bizarre, campy and philosophical at times (in its best moments it reminded me of But I’m A Cheerleader) but ultimately it was a hokey feel-good Barbie commercial with a very confused and contradictory feminist message. I wish that Mattel hadn’t produced it and Gerwig had gotten full creative control so that the movie could have leaned into its weirdness more. Admittedly I don’t have the nostalgic attachment to Barbie that other do and did not experience the girl-power camaraderie in the theatre that others seemed to (although I did wear pink). If the summer blockbuster had been some other millennial nostalgia bait (maybe Neopets or  Powerpuff Girls) and not Barbie then I might be singing a different tune

 this morning my very first thought was "oh shit i told my mom i'd stop by today", which i guess is a good thing bc i probably would have forgotten otherwise. i had a REAL leisurely morning and walked over to her place. beautiful weather today.

when i walked into the dining room i noticed tea biscuits w/ jam and butter arranged all cutely on the table. i started calorie counting again 2 days ago and probably shouldn't have had any but i didn't have the heart to refuse mom's food. anyway they were mini biscuits :P the biscuits turned out to be a trap to lure my sister and i into the dining room (where my mom's computer desk is) so we could help her with some issues she's having with the ancestry.com site. helping her with technology of any kind is torture and she seemed rly frustrated, so i encouraged her to take a break and tackle the task (reviewing/updating info on family tree members) over the course of a few days rather than trying to finish it all today. she agreed, but made a weird remark later on abt how she thought sis and i would be more interested in our ancestry. we both sputtered that we are interested, we just didn't know that she wanted us to have a look at the site due to:

a) the family tree still being in progress, apparently
b) her clear frustration

it also seems weird to ask to browse around on the site when she's in the middle of a difficult task that she specifically asked for our help with??? i don't think any of what we were saying was clearly conveyed to mom but w/e it doesn't matter.

she spent the rest of the time on her phone while sis and i chatted. actually that's not true, she did ask about my lack of permanent contract at work AGAIN. i've explained to her several times now that early career teachers can expect a wait of upwards of 5 years for a permanent contract and i'm only in my second year. there's also a kerfuffle happening rn with our union, they're arguing with the school board about whether or not permanent teachers that were made redundant this year should be placed before the permanent teachers w/ part time contracts (who are supposed to be expanded into full time contracts based on seniority, which is now being interfered w/ by redundant and surplussed teacher in need of rehiring). all this is to say that the permanent job postings haven't even been released yet due to this issue, and they were supposed to be released in june.

mom knows all this. there is nothing further i can do to increase my chances, other than update my cover letter and work on my interview skills, which i'm already doing. i know C-PTSD fucks with her memory but she begged me to spend time with her consistently over the summer and i feel like we aren't rly spending time together. she watches tv/scrolls on her phone and doesn't talk to me. at this point i'm hoping that my literal presence is all she needs from me and that she'll be happy. i'll gladly come over once a week to catch up with my sis while occupying the same room as mom if that's what she wants.

after that, i babysat S.M. and we had a lovely afternoon. she's a great kid. i texted Kat to see if she'd like to bring her son to the pool w/ us because i though S.M. might like to have a kid her age to play with at the pool, and they know each other from school. they weren't available (which was fine bc S.M. was too tired after day camp to go swimming) so we did crafts and watched Mean Girls. her dad came home early and i headed home w/ a beautiful sunset behind me. J left for work and i had a snack and scrolled on tiktok.

i should probably go to bed soon. my upstairs neighbour has a university-aged (i assume) brother staying w/ him currently and he throws ragers nearly every night. i don't mind the noise but Lupe barks like crazy if she hears ppl near our door. tonight, a partygoer was hanging out in the foyer talking on the phone and it was so loud that it sounded like she was inside my apartment so i had to go out in my fluffy pink robe and (politely) chase her onto the front porch so Lupe would stop spazzing out.

i turned on the porch light for her and left the front door slightly ajar bc i didn't want it to lock behind her. unfortunately this started a bit of an argument! i guess her friend came to check on her and saw her missing from the foyer w/ the front door ajar and was worried that she drunkenly wandered off. she ran downstairs to look for her, saw her on the porch and started scolding her for being sloppy drunk and wandering away. the girl i spoke to tried in vain to explain to her friend that i had asked her to move to the porch so that her voice didn't carry, but her friend wasn't having any of it and kept calling her a hot mess while the girl protested that she knew her limits. it was annoying but also a bit heartwarming bc it reminded me of my wilder days. i wonder how many neighbours eavesdropped against their will on my drunken convos with my friends? how many were disturbed or woken up but let it slide because we reminded them of their younger selves? possibly none, but i'm betting at least a few and that i'm currently experiencing karma.

20-somethings are starting to look young to me, which is a clear sign that i'm getting old LMAO

 i told my therapist everything i discussed w/ J over the past few days (or the abridged version LOL) and she gave me some great advice. i am so grateful for her, this sounds delusional but i feel like we'd be IRL friends.

my sister's graduation party went well, it was low-key and fun but i drank too much and smoked too many cigarettes...sis was disappointed that i was smoking bc i told her i quit, which is almost true except i've been socially smoking on the rare occasion (e.g. i went to a club last week and bought a pack, and the remaining cigs from that pack were the ones i was smoking last nite). she'll probably snitch to our mom but w/e i didn't try very hard to conceal my smoking at the party.

i'm tired today. i made vague plans w/ my friends to go to the antique mall but i bailed due to not-quite-hungover-but-not-feeling-my-best. i've spent almost all day working on my ARG, which is a struggle as i suck at HTML and am currently working on the website portion. it could take me quite a while to finish the ARG, i have big plans for incorporating geocaching, youtube vids, IRL flyer promo and visual art. my sister's nerdy friends are into ARGs and gave me some great ideas when i hung out w/ them last nite.

i can't believe how relaxed and un-stressed i feel this summer, i'm like a whole new person tbh. i need to figure out a way to bring these good vibes with me when i return to teaching in september. ive got a lot on my plate and yet i'm feeling hopeful and motivated (today nonwithstanding, i'll be rotting on the couch playing tears of the kingdom for the rest of the day lmao)