think on these things

big fight with J today, i was starting to lose my temper so i went to M's house (mom wasn't home and M and J are good friends and i knew she wouldn't arbitrarily take my side and would tell it like it is) and i really appreciate her allowing me to come over and vent. i took an uber to her house so it only took about 25 minutes, and by the time i got there J had already apologized via text and said he was being a jerk, i appreciate that, but i shouldn't have lost my temper either. M and i snacked, gossiped, smoked a lil weed and played video games (she seems to find it entertaining to watch me be rly shitty at skyrim). then j picked us up and we went to get pizza. we smoked a bit more then ate pizza and watched I Think You Should Leave and laughed a lot. J and i haven't had the chance yet to talk after our fight (M is still here) but i think it's all good.

i'm dead tired and want to go to bed but J and M are teasing me because it's only 10:25 and i'm on vacation. i want to start getting up in the AM again so i'm ready for the school year, plus i'm thinking abt going to church tomorrow for the first time in 10+ years. i'm still heavily agnostic but the church is Universal Unitarian which apparently means they're progressive hippies that other christians don't like bc they're too loosey goosey with the bible or w/e. the church is also my polling station so i've talked to some of the folks there and they seem lovely, it's a beautiful building as well. i'm not feeling particularly spiritual these days but i've been feeling nostalgic for my church-going days and if i'm being totally honest, i wouldn't mind seeing live music for free every sunday LOL.

i also like how church people aren't nihilists for the most part and they look at our shitty evil world with proactive and community-oriented eyes. i feel like everyone i know and everyone online has kind of given up (me too kind of) and i don't want to ignore society's ills but i want to refocus on my community and helping others instead of feeling sorry for myself and my small circle of loved ones. it's starting to feel like my circle are the only people i care about and i don't want that to be true. or at the very least i want to widen my circle of care a bit? idk this could all be waste of time but i'm also just curious tbh.

i NEED to get better at texting ppl back, i hate leaving people on read but it's turned into a real bad habit for me and ppl care about that kind of thing and it hurts them. it's just inattention and honestly a bit of laziness at this point and i need to do better. weirdly, i feel like vyvanse is making the problem worse bc i get overly focused on the day's tasks and ignore my messages but maybe i'm just looking for something to blame LOL

i'm still a bit high and i wish i could go here and go for a swim:

j let slip today that my bday party will cost around $500?????? i don't know if this is the projected cost or if he's already spent this much bc i literally did not let him say anything more until i had finished my breakfast. i knew if he kept talking i would freak out and panic. after breakfast i delayed the convo further, and am currently avoiding it while he plays zelda in the next room. i need to keep my cool and not jump to conclusions, but i'm honestly so stressed. i let him plan my 30th birthday (along w/ my mom) and have been blissfully unaware of what's happening aside from the basics. i've been trying to relinquish control and trust him, and i need to maintain that trust so that he doesn't think i never believed in him to begin with. i need to remain calm and just listen to him. i'm typing this out rn to re-affirm it to myself lol. 

ultimately, my options are kind of limited here. i'm not working this summer, just collecting EI. j encouraged me not to work, assured me that everything would be fine and he's taking care of it, FUCK HIM lmao. the hard thing is that he is taking care of everything, he's just doing it in his way, which is unacceptably laissez-faire and irresponsible from my perspective but beggar's can't be choosers so w/e. actually, i'll amend that last irrational statement and say that i'm jumping to conclusions and should probably just talk to him. i feel like "$500" is flashing in my brain like a giant neon sign and my stomach is swooping with nerves lol.

i had hoped by 30 i'd feel more self-actualized. i still feel like a clueless kid, muddling through everything. i'm guessing i'll feel this way forever, we'll see. weirdly, adulthood is just as wonderful as i hoped it would be and also sooooooooooo shitty?

I'm worried abt J. he keeps things bottled up and doesn't raise issues because he doesn't want to upset me and believes its easier to handle his emotions internally. he said today that he feels misunderstood when he does speak out or it leads to arguments/tension and that it's better this way. he said that he goes over what he's going to say over and over again in his head but it never goes to plan in real life. i told him today that i want both of us to bear the burden of our issues, not just him bearing my problems as well as his own and that my heart was breaking to hear him say that it's "not worth it" to bring up issues but i could tell that his mind is made up. this all stemmed from a couple of meetings we had which i thought went well.....we discussed household chores, sex, our social lives and more and i left feeling like i understood him better and was heard as well. he didn't feel that way apparently, but did not say so at the time.

i feel that he should say something in the moment if he feels misunderstood or misconstrued, or like he is reluctant to say something or if he feels rushed or pressure or whatever. if he did that, we could address it in the moment. i found out that he wasn't feeling good about our meetings after the fact, unfortunately. he said that he's 85% happy and that he wants to stop trying for that 15% because it just leads to problems, and he said it's not my fault. maybe i'm naive but i feel like 100% is attainable or at the very least a horizon we can continue to move toward? he alluded to managing everyone's emotions by changing his behaviour and by "controlling" his own emotions.....it made me feel like pavlov's dog tbh and on some level i'm angry because he's a) refusing to communicate (out of what? fear? convenience? frustration?) and b) robbing me of the opportunity to be a good partner and c) hurting himself. i can understand that it feels risky and scary to be vulnerable but i do think that he is gun-shy and shuts down at the first sign of friction (that friction being me questions/disagreeing with something he said, me reacting emotionally, me misunderstanding what he meant etc.) but i feel that we need to be able to sit in the friction/discomfort and move forward through it. this is an impossible situation bcuz J communicating/being heard is entirely NECESSARY in my view but he's been going on this way for so long that he's already certain it's the right thing to do to keep going (and i think me being upset just further proves this in his eyes).

i brought up couple's therapy a few days ago (i've been thinking abt it for a while but wanted to bring it up when we weren't mid-argument or post-argument) and as i predicted he reacted badly and didn't listen to me, but reluctantly agreed. i keep trying to frame it as "this is something i need to make MY feelings clear to you" (this is true tbh) and avoid implying that J needs it too as he is v. skeptical abt therapy for himself (yet very supportive of therapy for me). i have discussed this with my therapist at length already LOL

we're sitting down to talk again later today. hoping for a positive outcome