trying to stay cool

[necco]

j let slip today that my bday party will cost around $500?????? i don't know if this is the projected cost or if he's already spent this much bc i literally did not let him say anything more until i had finished my breakfast. i knew if he kept talking i would freak out and panic. after breakfast i delayed the convo further, and am currently avoiding it while he plays zelda in the next room. i need to keep my cool and not jump to conclusions, but i'm honestly so stressed. i let him plan my 30th birthday (along w/ my mom) and have been blissfully unaware of what's happening aside from the basics. i've been trying to relinquish control and trust him, and i need to maintain that trust so that he doesn't think i never believed in him to begin with. i need to remain calm and just listen to him. i'm typing this out rn to re-affirm it to myself lol. 

ultimately, my options are kind of limited here. i'm not working this summer, just collecting EI. j encouraged me not to work, assured me that everything would be fine and he's taking care of it, FUCK HIM lmao. the hard thing is that he is taking care of everything, he's just doing it in his way, which is unacceptably laissez-faire and irresponsible from my perspective but beggar's can't be choosers so w/e. actually, i'll amend that last irrational statement and say that i'm jumping to conclusions and should probably just talk to him. i feel like "$500" is flashing in my brain like a giant neon sign and my stomach is swooping with nerves lol.

i had hoped by 30 i'd feel more self-actualized. i still feel like a clueless kid, muddling through everything. i'm guessing i'll feel this way forever, we'll see. weirdly, adulthood is just as wonderful as i hoped it would be and also sooooooooooo shitty?

Comments

[dewladen]

i feel the same! i think i'll forever be a little lost my whole life haha and maybe that's okay.

$500 is a lot to spend on someone without giving a heads up! especially if you live together/kind of share finances. i also feel like i'd feel a little astonished if someone did that much without giving me a heads up, even a vague one would be okay like "we're going to do something Big for your birthday, is that okay?" that way i kinda of am prepared for the scope of it. though it also seems like he wants to spoil you because he loves you! and doing big things for you might be how he shows his affection and makes him happy doing it. i do agree it sounds like something you can communicate about though. especially if it's causing feelings for you that he doesn't intend. that way he knows for next time!

also happy early birthday!

[necco]

hiii tysm for the bday shoutout and your wise words :) you make a good point that we could have communicated beforehand r.e. the budget/scope of party

the $500 ended up being a totally sensible plan-ahead move. my bday is at a campsite and he anticipated that guests might put entry/parking fees on our "tab" rather than paying themselves (which they are totally welcome to do as they are our guests) and he factored that into the total cost. i would have done the exact same thing tbh i was just spiralling as usual LOL. there was never a reason to freak out anyways, i looked at my budget again today and it's totally doable, there was LITERALLY nothing to worry about :')

honestly i'm rly starting to remember why i wanted to get back into journalling, it helped a lot to type all this out before talking to him so i could get my head on straight.

[dewladen]

ah that's so great to hear that it all worked out! i apologize for giving advice/making points haha i try to not do that too much on people's personal journals, as its a place of reflection. hope that journalling keeps being a good place for your thoughts for a long time!

[necco]

don't be sorry, i appreciate it :)

[dewladen]

;u; aww ur so nice